I wake up and see you, your hands, your legs… your emotions scratch my throat and your thoughts make me jump out of the bed and I don’t know anymore if it’s the life force or it is them that push me to go on and on.

I get up and passing the mirror try not to think too much about myself but finally you seize me, I cannot escape from this judgmental gaze so I look at you and I wish I…
Yes, I always wish something…
as if I could never be fully satisfied with what I see.
This tormenting feeling of discontentment makes me question myself.
After so much work, efforts and trials I still see the same problem – the unchangeable core of “me” which no matter how hard I try, I cannot get rid of.

I wish again… and a thought strikes me:
I wish I stopped wishing…
I look in the mirror and try to tell you something, something good to make you shut up, in the end I know so many good things about you… but it doesn’t work. My flaws are like snakes, they move in waves pushing off the rocks of expectations and wade forward leaving the traces of frustration all over my body.

I find some affirmations, look into your eyes and try to pat them into your brain but they don’t even reach the mirror, just turn somewhere on the way and disappear.
Why do they feel so fake? – I wonder
Because they are fake – you tell me and I start to wonder since when do I call you “you”? It looks like there were two of us… and if it is so then who is the real one? The one who is judging? Or the one who is being judged? And which one is right?

I think about all those beliefs and thoughts you imprinted in me… the shoulds and oughts… the guilt and blame you want me to bath in… I let you be here for so long and now I wonder if I can still live with you. You let me survive in this world but made me stop loving myself. Was it worth it? I really don’t know. Maybe then but not now, not when I have to pay for my existence with checks earned from stifling life.

So I’m going to question everything you whisper into my ear, to doubt every little thought of you… I will love you without believing in what you say, I will accept you and let you be without taking you seriously. I will treat you with mercy and respect like you were insane… and then there will be nothing left but the love for myself.

written for:

My mantra:

“I am the love and the light I need”

Copyright ©2017 Monika Braun and Love it Now. All Rights Reserved.