It was the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last when I fell in love, it’s just that the first one seems always to be the strongest.
I was twelve and so was he, we were coming back from school when he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. “Wow” I thought and suddenly everything started to look differently. As if life showed me a gate I didn’t know existed.
I don’t remember if I felt something for him earlier or if everything started just at that moment but when I came home I was somebody else then when I left it in the morning. My body filled up with something unknown by then deafening current feelings and thoughts and perturbing its physiology.
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t concentrate on anything at all. I couldn’t remain seated so I walked around my room loosing the last control I had over myself. Life became impossible to go through, time stopped, things lost their importance.
I survived this one night and in ecstasy went to school next morning to finally hear that he backed out on me. He didn’t know why he asked me that and we didn’t really talk about it. I don’t remember what I felt or if I felt something afterwards. Maybe I suppressed my suffering so deep that I couldn’t recall it or maybe I didn’t feel anything?
During next twelve years we saw each other regularly attending those same schools and later on studying this same subject at university. But my feelings for him of that one evening never came back. He became a classmate, a pal, a neighbour and the memory of the first infatuation.
A few years ago I watched the movie “What the Bleep Do We Know?” and when I heard Ramtha saying: “They (people) only fall in love with the anticipation of the emotions they are addicted to” I felt like something suddenly struck me.
Did I really fall in love with this boy? And what about the others in my life? Could I really fall in love with somebody and then fall out just a few days later? Or fall in love and suffer because the source of my emotions cut off the flow?
How many times we feel love and then suddenly come to conclusion that he/she isn’t the person we thought he/she was? Are we falling in love with that person or with an illusion created in the mind? And if it is an illusion why for some of us it can last forever (transforming in love) and for others changes into hate and war?
Maybe Ramtha was right and it’s all about the anticipation of the emotions we are addicted to and which blow our senses away. We fall in love with people who appear just on time with the right promise of giving us something we longed for. It can be attention, care, nice words, admiration, whatever… just wrapped in the right words and acts or hidden in the right eyes… and suddenly we become addicted to it like to drugs or to the morning coffee or a piece of chocolate.
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